After three trips to this exotic port, I am ready to spend the last of my Chinese money on a massage.  The previous evening a guy in a sharkskin suit handed me a business card for the KK Club and said: “You want nice Chinese massage? Only 200 yuan.”  “Hey, only 30 bucks for a massage?”  “You like jig jag? Nice Chinese girl?”  “No man, no jig, jag, but can I get a massage for 200?”  “Yeah sure”, Sharkskin grins, “no problem, you come now?”  “No, but I can come tomorrow.”  I figure I will ride a bike to the address on Nanjing Road, the main shopping street in Shanghai, and prudently pursue the establishment.  It looks good, in a well lit area on a busy street, so I decide to go for it.  The next day after work I rush off the ship and hail a cab.  Sharkskin appears out of nowhere and hops in the cab with me.  MISTAKE #1.

 

“So I get a massage for 200 yuan, right?” I ask.   I’ve got 350 yuan on me, I figure 200 for the massage, 100 for a nice tip and 50 for the cab. “Yes, Yes” sharkskin grins as AS WE MISS THE BRIDGE FOR NANJIN ROAD!! 

 

“Hey, where are we going, I yell, I want Nanjin Road!!!”  Suddenly, Sharkskin’s English is very bad.  He says “it OK, we go to other KK Club, very nice.”  “NO, man I want Nanjin Road!”  My protests fall on deaf ears as the cab proceeds further into the neither world of Shanghai at nite.  This is a slum area, a far cry from the bright neon of Nanjin Road.  It is a surrealistic world of bombed-out buildings, abandoned cars and garbage.  We pull up to the dimly lit entrance to the KK club.  “Hey man, this is not the place I want – I want Nanjing Road!”  Sharkskin opens the door and pulls me out.  “You like, you like.”  Reluctantly I suppress my trepidation and emerge from the relative safety of the cab.  MISTAKE #2.

 

We enter the sleazy KK Club, I am the only western face.  Sharkskin hands me off to a Chinese girl who takes me to a room with a sofa, a table and a TV.  “OK,” I tell her, “I want a massage for 200 yuan all right?”  “Sure, you sit we have drink and talk” she says.   “No drink, no talk, I want massage for 200 OK?”  “No, no you must have drink and food, all included, you buy me drink OK?”  “Sure, OK you want a drink.  How much?”  I am trying to control the bizarre situation.  “Very cheap” she says.  “Only 40 yuan.”  “OK, 40 yuan, go ahead, I’ll buy you a drink.”  MISTAKE #3

 

A barmaid knocks on the door carrying a tray of food and two drinks.  “Hey, I did not order food!” I protest vainly.  I am starting to realize that I am being set up…”It’s OK, we have Karaoke…” The attendant turns on the TV and I am watching videos of western sex kittens with come-hither looks frolicking on a tropical beach to the music of “Leroy Brown” and “Proud Mary”.  THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!  The girl looks at me and bats her eye lashes “You give me half now, OK, then we go to room?”  “OK, half of 200 yuan right?” I give her a 100 note. MISTAKE #4.  “OK, I go get my boss.”

 

She leaves me alone with the Karaoke, the girls on the screen are laughing at me.  Now, they know I am doomed.  Sharkskin returns along with two body guards.  We exchange pleasantries and he points to the untouched food and the girls on the TV.  “You like?  Is good, huh?”  His smile is vaguely menacing.  “Hey” I say, “When do I get my massage – 200 yuan, right?”  “No, you pay now.”  He grins and hands me a bill with a lot of Chinese writing on it and a total of 890 yuan circled at the bottom.

 

“Hey man, no way!”  I stand up and the three guys surround me.  I figure my chances of getting out of this situation are getting slimmer.  “Look guys, you told me I could get a massage for 200 yuan, I gave the girls 100, can we go to the room now?”  “NO, you pay now!”  Visions of an oriental girl walking on my back disintegrate into macabre images of me laying broken and bleeding in the slums of Shanghai.  “Look, fellas, I don’t even have 890 yuan.” They can tell I’ve surrendered.  “OK, we give you discount, how much you got?”  I empty my pockets, put the 250 yuan on the table along with $25 that I brought for emergencies – I guess this qualifies.

 

Sharkskin collects the money, hands me 15 yuan “For your cab, we’re friends right?”  The three guys walk me out to the deserted street.  A cab miraculously appears out of nowhere.  Sharkskin opens the door and extends his hand with a grin. “We friends right?”  I don’t shake his hand. As the cab glides through the dark streets of Shanghai, I try to salvage a modicum of my self-esteem.  I haven’t felt so stupid for a couple of days.  The cab approaches the dock and I see the rest of the band at a roadside noodle stand drinking beer.  I get out of the cab, and hand the driver my 15 yuan.

 

“Hey, MIK, come and have a beer and some noodles!”  I try to act cool as I join my friends.  “So what have you been doing, MIK?”  “Oh, not much, I just went for a massage.”  “A massage huh?  Hey we are going to Thailand, they have great massages in Thailand.”  “Really?” I ask…. “Oh, yeah, oriental girl walking on your back, sounds good eh?”  “Sounds great.” 

 

 I slurp my noodles and think of Thailand.